I had originally planned to call this post “Surprise”, because that’s exactly what it was when Lauren and I found out we were going to have our first child. But as we neared our 6th week, and our first ultrasound, our excitement was turning into fear. Blood was coming when it shouldn’t have been.
A week and three ultrasounds later, our baby was gone.
The emotions of going from “oh crap we’re having a baby” to “I can’t wait to have this child” to “I don’t know what’s happening” and finally to “Your baby isn’t there anymore” are brutal.
When we first found out Lauren was pregnant, we had to allow ourselves some time to grieve. Not to grieve the new life we created, but to grieve the loss of our plans for the next couple of years. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I wanted to get a dog first. But that very quickly changed to excitement (and then quickly back and forth between fear and excitement).
The doctors told us that this isn’t uncommon, and happens more than 20% of the time. Usually it happens because of severe genetic defects, and the body stops the pregnancy before it gets going. I have to marvel at the wonder of God’s creation. That He makes our bodies stop these things when He has to, to prevent pain and grief down the road.
Conversely, I have to think about the babies born with various defects and disease. We may question why God would put those babies and families through that. But God keeps those babies going because he knows they are strong enough and their purpose important enough to bring them into this world.
We are so thankful to the close friends and family who were around to love and share this with us. While we’re heartbroken, we’re glad to have the opportunity to talk about something that just isn’t talked about enough, failed pregnancy.
I was driven a bit mad even in the few shorts weeks we had that I couldn’t tell people. I found the idea of waiting until you’re far in and complication free absurd. And now, after this experience, I find it even more ridiculous. You’re denying yourself the support and love of people around you. Is it uncomfortable telling people you lost your baby not long after you told them you were pregnant? Absolutely. But I’d take that every time over dealing with this fear and pain alone. Having to tell my parents, “oh by the way, we were going to have a baby, but we had a miscarriage” was way worse than if they had been there through the whole experience. I’m SO thankful for the people close to us in Orlando who we told and were there to support us through every scary moment.
This child was created in passion, when… certain precautions weren’t taken (ew.. sex.. right?). Before the miscarriage, I’d had a dream that we had a girl, and that’s as good as anything to go on, right? We wanted to memorialize her, so we named her Emma. One of Lauren’s supervisors at school said that she must be a full and passionate woman with God now. That is a thrilling thing to think about.
I can’t wait to meet you one day, Emma.